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The Moment My Life Stopped
by Olga A. Sorokina
Photo: Olga before the accident
Banal regrets
There are several things I really do regret. I mean, I regret many things but I do really regret several things which could be considered banal in comparison with the freedom I had then, at the dawn of my full life.
Among these things are memories from my Far East voyage. Just imagine, I have crossed a whole continent, I have swum in the Pacific Ocean! It might seem not so exciting for other people, but when I used to live in Moscow and I was studying sedentary marine animals at the University, I could only dream about the ocean.
But now I no longer remember anything about this trip, unfortunately. The second thing that I regret, is losing the memories of the Millennium Night. I was born in 1973 and I remember well being a teenager and dreaming about the “flip-flop” of the millenniums. That was the time when we dreamt of our future lives, our careers... but I never could have dreamt that my own life would be stopped so roughly.
My life and my dreams...
Since those teenager dreams, my life developed together with our country’s history. The events got denser and denser. By 1985 Gorbachev had started «perestroika», and that time I remember. It was seen as a promising time of future and freedom; we were very enthusiastic.
In 1989 there was an attempt of revolt and you can just imagine how enthusiastic and full of expectations we were before it failed! The next year I passed my university exams and joined the Moscow State University.
When I was a third year student, I started working for Merlin (the organization “Medical Relief International” from the UK). That was there that I made my acquaintance with Rendt, a humanitarian aid employee with a special philosophy of his own.
A brilliant time it was! My friends and me we were all studying at the field department of the biological faculty - and I regard biology as an essential science spanning many related disciplines – from ecology to evolution, touching on psychology and ethnology.
We were all romantics - full of expectations. Every direction seemed possible, and we all had something important to do. We weren’t wasting time. With my friends, I despised the city life and the common, ordinary people and their fashions.
And in that time I also started to travel. As a biology student I visited the White Sea and Lake Baikal, and as a tourist I was in Turkey and Egypt. Later, as an interpreter I also visited Norway.
In 1995 I started my PhD studies at the Institute of Oceanology. A famous place that was well-known after the filming by Cameron of the «Titanic» movie. And I was at the very laboratory. I know well the people that filmed that movie - its underwater part at least.
I was then deeply involved in the investigation of deep water sea lilies. Of course, at that time I dreamt about ocean expeditions. But the time for long voyages has now gone...
Being a student of the third stage, I had to start earning money again and so I joined the Russian Programme Office of the World Wide Fund for Nature - a non-profit nature conservation organization. The position suited me perfectly - it was close to my general education and interests, and it needed my English language knowledge.
At the same time I continued my studies. By the year of 1999 I had already issued and published a monograph on sea lilies. And by spring time, I was presenting and “defending” my dissertation.
Then I got free and went to the Far East, accompanying a group of German ecotourists. Among them was Kai Pagenkopf, a young biogeography student with whom I went to Prague together soon afterwards. We still write to each other. He has even transferred a big amount of money here.
I survived
In the autumn of 1999, not long after my Far Eastern voyage and Prague trip, and just after I had submitted my PhD, the accident happened. I was returning home from an evening concert - it was about 1:30 am. Together with a friend, Tanya Petruk, we were walking alone in a small lane. There was nobody around. We were walking on a sidewalk. Suddenly we both were hit by a car, rushing along and across the street in a crazy way. Actually I don’t remember how, but I can imagine well. At that moment my life stopped.
Unlike Tanya, I didn’t die. I survived, but I’m always trying to find good points in that. I’m told by everybody that they exist. Until now I can hardly believe in it.
I had several severe traumas, both to brain and bones. There is a special medical term for such a kind of trauma - the combination of the brain and skeletal ones, but I do not know the English word.
Waiting, waiting
I begin to remember myself again from the year 2002, three years after the accident. But from that time memories were rather strange. I was not ready to accept my state - I considered it a nightmare, and I was waiting for the morning to come.
So I’ve been waiting, waiting.... until I suddenly realized that it’s not a dream, it is true. Now my brain has almost recovered, but I still have serious skeletal traumas. According to my mother, the first surgery I had was only after serious discussions in the hospital - Is there any sense of doing it? That time, my surgeon had just insisted, and he pressed the hospital commission with his authority. I suppose that without his good will I would have been left to die slowly.
Nobody can change it now
Once I met a wheelchair disabled man from Germany. His traumas were much easier. He was able to walk most the time, and he used a wheelchair to have some rest only. The owner of the car which hit him had to pay him for health damage and he recovered such a large amount, because he could never work anymore - saying nothing about covering all the medical expenses.
Olga and her rehab trainer in Crimea In my case … well, the official law agrees it should be so, but even if I had a good lawyer, I could never win a court process - there has never been a precedent. Besides, there were so many mistakes made in the course of the preliminary investigation that there is no a court that would accept it. So I know the official owner of the car - but there are no witnesses. And there is no incriminating evidence. It seems that it was nobody’s fault! I think that man had a lot of relations and influence, unlike my family. Ok, I’ve accepted it. Anyway, nobody can change it now. But there still are my medical expenses. A single endoprothesis surgery costed 3,000 USD - and that was needed because of a medical mistake, nobody told us that I should have been also taking calcium, while taking huge amounts of antibiotics. My family could barely afford it.
Maybe 3,000
USD sounds reasonable to you, but it’s 20 times the monthly salary of a
professor. And we never had any medical insurance to cover these expenses. The
one we do have (the usual one) covers only the very common accidents like flu or
fever. And unavoidable bribes are not covered at all.
Photo: Olga and trainer in Crimea
I’m locked at home
So at the moment I’m locked at home - I live on the 4th floor without an elevator, so I’m just like imprisoned - I can’t get out of the apartment. I’m still in a wheelchair and so I will be until my knees will be operated. I know I need several very long and hard surgeries together with rehabilitation afterwards. Being done here these surgeries will dull my brain - in Russia there are no adequate anaesthesia techniques for such surgeries although we have good surgeons. I have already had 6 of surgeries - without any rehabilitation, so I wouldn’t like to risk anymore.
Rehabilitation is necessary but no other facilities except my parents’ forces are available. My parents became heroes but they are old - my mother was born in 1937, my father was born in 1929, and they are now very tired and ill. Unfortunately (or fortunately) my parents are still working, but without any scientific grants their salary would reduce nearly to zero. Anyway, it is about 200 USD/month - just a bit higher than the minimum living wage in Moscow (it is 150USD). My pension is 85 USD/month.
What would you choose?
Just try to guess
what would happen to me without them? They are tired, they are ill and old. I
was a «late child», father is 75, mother is 65 years old. Being an orthopaedic
disabled, I can’t walk and so I can’t reach the toilet without somebody’s help.
Actually I can’t do it with their help either, but we have developed some
techniques. All of them need a second person to help. Besides that, there is
another problem: I was told that I have to walk 3 times - or at least 2 times -
a day for about 1 hour. I can’t do that without any help and the maximum length
of the flat is maybe 5m. So by the end of the hour I usually am dizzy, going
round and round.
So, my current choice is either being stupid but walking, or being intelligent, but wheelchair-bound. What would you choose?
Moscow, 15 September 2004
Olga Sorokina